Ok in celebration of what should be the final evening watching TV on the crappy blue lounge, now ripped to pieces by the fat cat, I am attempting to live blog The AMAZING race. Because it’s AMAZING.
At the moment we are reliving previous episodes “Previously on the AMAZING race….etc”
I missed the first episode due a tv program reading malfunction (i.e. I forgot to watch it) so had to catch up last week with the cream pie fights and the parasailing. And the very sad, yet AMAZING elimination of the yokels.
Here we go with the AMAZING credits. Looks exciting…whoops I mean AMAZING.
The AMAZING race is like when you start with a new class to teach. It takes a couple of weeks to learn all their names.
This is Salzburg…the birthplace of Mozart. It’s like a history lesson isn’t it?
Tammy and Victor – siblings – are off to Bucharest…Romania. There’s a clue there apparently…and gymnastics. Tammy seems to spend her life being bossed around by Victor. Victor is a little bit annoying actually.
Here come Mel and Mike – father and famous son. Well, one movie famous – but it is School of Rock. Yeah. cool and dagsville at the same time.
Now for Luke and Margie – son and mother. Luke is deaf so they kindly subtitle his signing.They don’t know where Bucharest is – Hungary? Oh Poor Lukeand Margie…come on.
Here’s Brad and Victoria…oh he’s sharing…emotionally. Lovely.
Everyone’s getting on the train to go to the airport? Mystery couple whose name I missed..they’re going run really fast apparently. That will be AMAZING.
Here come Kisha and Jen. Siblings again…one of whom is bossy. And now Mark and Michael who are short. And the blondes..whose names I have missed. They’ve come last nearly last every week. That’s probably all we need to know. It’s not amazing in any way.
Tammy and Victor are on the plane..but aaaghhh…it’s having technical problems…they’re turning back. AMAZING drama and tension.
(I wonder how they got Stravinsky to write the Rite of Spring like soundtrack. Certainly makes the whole thing appear more exciting than it really is). Now all I’m noticing is the music.
Flight delays now holding couples up. that’s not really amazing at all is it. The last half couple losers are still all at the airport.
Escalators, dodgy camera work, lots of standing at the ticket counter and pretending to be polite.
Ad: my that True Beauty looks like an interesting program. I think I shall not watch it. Optus…I’ve never understood the significance of the little animals in their marketing. Is Optus supposed to be cute and cuddly? Oh and the Army Reserve. Yes that’s definitely convincing me to join up. I definitely haven’t got what it takes. And KFC. Mmmmm amazing chicken. I don’t eat chicken so that one is wasted on me. Woolworths Everyday Rewards. Yes I am a member. I am yet to find out what it does for me though. Optical Superstore. I already have glasses thankyou very much. Obligatory Channel 7 program promo. TV Burp. “the boring bits made fun”. No the boring bits inserted in between other boring bits actually.
Back to the AMAZINGNESS. Still trying to get to Bucharest. Hurry up for goodness sake. How hard can it be?
Oooh cut to Bucharest. The smart ones have managed to make it. Off to do some AMAZING gymnastics. This should be fun. Here is Mr host man whose name I never can remember. They have to learn gymnastics for the AMAZING Road Block. Small children demonstrate how amazingly easy it is. Amanda and Kris (dating) are now in first place and they’re going to Transylvania. Ooooohh. Scary.
Now Mike White on the balance beam. The gym wear is not flattering. Nuff said…yes?!
Mother Margie is done. She and Luke are on their way.
Oh this is the ad for Double Take. Sketch shows are so 1980s. You she goes, she goes, she goes, she just goes…
I’m drinking my chamomile tea now so you’ll just have to imagine the rest of the ads.
The short stuntmen brothers have now arrived with the second gang of pairs to do the gymnastics. Oh there is a cheerleading pair and a flight attendant pair. Surely that’s overkill.
AMAZING Tammy and Victor have now gone from first to what looks like last. They’re still looking for the gymnastics roadblock. Hopeless. Tammy’s really stressing, Even Kisha and Jen are now ahead. Tammy doesn’t know how to do a cartwheel. Victor is certainly full of slightly unsupportive advice. Lots of dissonant brass underscoring. Victor quite rude to poor Tammy. I didn’t see him volunteering to do a cartwheel.
Everyone else has left to get on their way to Transylvania. Oh and now Tammy is crying. Good let’s get the crying over and done with early.
Ads. Oh it’s Livio. For those of you who don’t live in the regions you’re missing the most excellent and pedantic weatherman ever. He’s from our local Wide Bay News. Livio Regano. Everyone loves him. He’s just told me the weather. Thank you Livio. You are AMAZING.
Back to Bucharest. On the train with the first gang of pairs. They’re looking for the Black Church! Sounds AMAZINGLY scary. Cue shot of a full moon.
Brad and Victoria are still back in Amsterdam. Not sure why. It’s an AMAZING feat of concentration to try and keep track of everyone. I don’t think they’ve even made it to the gymnasstics.
Detour: Gypsy Moves or Vampire Remains. Well there’s no choice really is there?
Oh and there’s impaling. It’s all getting a bit AMAZINGLY gory really. Some choosing gypsies, others the vampires.
Goodness poor Brad and Victoria are remainingly AMAZINGLY optimistic given they haven’t even done the Bucharest gymnastics.
Mel and Mike are now regretting the gypsy detour. They have to move a heap of stuff including half a car on a cart. Yes I can hear you. It is AMAZING. They do get to do it accompanied by some nice gypsy accordion playing though. The gypsies are laughing. A lot.
More ads. They’re packing them in tonight. Is that a wombat dear Optus? A groovy dancing wombat? And now Curtis Stone has sold his soul to Coles. If it’s good enough for Jamie Oliver I guess our Curtis can do the same. (Was Jamie Tesco’s or Sainsbury’s? I can’t remember)
I have an irrational dislike of Johanna Griggs. She’s right up there with Shane Warne.
Here come the vampire teams. Spooky into the woods dear friends.A cute wooden sign “To Coffins” or “To Impaling”. How civilised.
The cheerleaders and Margie and Luke are still in their cabs on their way to the Detour. Frustration with the Transylvanian cab drivers. Oh they’ve made it FINALLY to the vampires.
Amanda and Kris (dating) are in 1st place. They are on their way to the Pit Stop. Mel and Mike – go darlings you’re in second place. Looks the gypsy challenge was the best choice after all. The vampires are mucking about with keys and locks and coffins. Looks fiddly.
Tammy and Victor are lost in the woods, yet to even find the coffins while Brad and Victoria have only just finished the gymnastics. Oh no AMAZING DRAMA. Amanda and Kris have lost their bag with ALL THEIR MONEY AND PASSPORTS. That’s not amazing that’s just careless. Oh they’ve found it. Crisis averted. Phew. But they did lose their first place. Sad face.
Man Mel is really huffing and puffing. He just keeps on trucking though. “Mel and Mike: You are team number one!”. Oh they’ve won a little prize. A trip to Costa Rica. And now Mel is telling us how special Mike is. And not just because he is his son. Shucks.
Amanda and Kris: Team number 2
More AMAZING is that Tammy and Victor are still lost in the woods. They’re lawyers. So now they’re arguing with each other. Cue cymbals. And ads. Corinne Grant must be hard up for a gig if she’s hosting “Airways”. That really looks like a quality, entertaining program. (But then she was on The Glass House. Which I hated. Wil Anderson..another of my celebrity irrational dislikes). So she’s used to being on crap TV shows. Pity.
(Oh Wendy do tell us what you really think)
Tammy and Victor I think you might be overanalysing the whole situation. What if you just went back to the beginning and started again. There’s every chance that Brad and Victoria might catch them up. AMAZING.
Meanwhile back at the short stuntmen. They’ve done with the gypsy challenge. Victor is now crying. In the woods. And won’t let Tammy make a decision. Oh now he agrees that they should go back to the beginning!
Oh there’s a hooded villainous like character at the coffin challenge. Cute.
Everyone’s arriving at the pit stop. Except for sniffling snuffling Victor. NOW he finds the arrows. I don’t understand why Tammy just didn’t leave him in the woods.
Now Victor is being a leetle bit overdramatic “I don’t care if I die!” Really. It’s A GAME. Now they can’t find the keys. Victor might throw a tantrum soon. That would be AMAZING television. Oh, instead he found the key. I refuse to believe the cameraman didn’t help him. Or the scary hooded man with the directions to the Pit Stop. I think Tammy and Victor might hate each other right now. Cue more crying. “We’re alive and that’s what matters”. Puh-leese Victor. Give me a break with the pop psychology. Yes Tammy, please speak up a little bit more. For example. Tell Victor to shut up occasionally.
Now we wait for Brad and Victoria. They have chosen the vampires in the dark. And seem to be covered in fake blood. No-one else got fake blood. Oh no. They’re eliminated. Bye.
They’re actually calling the short stuntmen “midgets” in next week’s promo. Is that acceptable? I’m not sure….