Are you a slightly overweight smokey grey tabby? Are you bored at home while your servant is out slaving away to put salmon flavoured dine and sardine whiskas dry food in your dinner dish? Are you tiring of the delights of slowly ripping apart a paper bag? Do the two cardboard boxes your servant has kindly left inside for you to play in no longer do a whole lot for your day (despite the fact they detract from her interior decoration such as it is?) Are the silver and blue fake straw and baubly twigs in a vase that double as a Christmas tree just too tempting for words?
If the answer is yes, then I have a day’s amusement in store for you:

1. Lull your servant into a false sense of security by studiously ignoring said fake straw and baubly twigs for say, hmm, the last three to four months. She’s stupid. She’ll think you’ve forgotten about them and leave her bedroom door WIDE OPEN.

2. Climb up on to the top of the bookcase where she has placed aforementioned vase( where she believes it is out of cat’s way).

3. Attack the straw and baubly twigs with all your kitty-cat might, wrastling them to the ground.

4. Be very careful (and this is the only reason you will be getting dinner tonight) not to knock the vase onto the floor. Leave it intact.

5. When your servant arrives home at the end of a long day, in a clever act of misdirection, be lying fast asleep on her bed in a cute and cuddly pose, so as she doesn’t notice the mess on the floor immediately.

6. When she does (and this might take a few minutes because, let’s face it she’s a bit slow) and looks at you accusingly, jump down from the bed and wander over to the straw and baubly twigs in a bemused fashion, miaowing, as if to say, “now, how the dickens did this mess get here?”.

7. You can also miaow in an affronted fashion when she dares to scold you and remove you from her bedroom.

8. As a final act of fun, when she goes back in to tidy up, make sure you loll all over the mess so it’s really difficult for her to pick up all the sticks.

Follow these instructions carefully, and a great day is guaranteed.